One Walks in and the Other Walks Out

Quite a lot of people have been speculating on the marriage of Bertie Bassetts and SpongeBob. Sunday night The Weel Stockit Farm and i came in to Bertie Bassetts running about the house like a mad man while Spongebob stood at the door of the kitchen watching him. When i smiled and said "hullo" she raised her eyebrows and smiled with only her mouth and said "He's goin to Florida and Paris."

Last week the kiddies were on holiday and The Weel Stockit Farm came to visit. For some reason, maybe it was because he wasn't at school, but the GoofyGoober seemed a lot more cheerful and willing to do whatever i asked him. Maybe he fancied the Weel Stockit Farm? The fam were away for the first weekend in Texas. Why Texas?! They said they had family there but they weren't goin to see them... strange. When Spongebob came back she complained about doin a lot of drivin- well, if you looked after your kids every day of the week you'd certainly get used to it.

On the Tuesday spongebob phoned the house a million times. She was desperate for us to go see a broadway show! Eventually she got tickets for a show called Xanado. It was mental. she didn't come. It started at 2pm so the 4 of us made out way in. For the GoofyGoobers birthday i bought him a dymo labeler. I don't think he was too sure of it at first (worst present he'd ever been given by the worst nanny he'd ever had!) But i taught him how to make a few and he got into it making up all sorts of things about George Bush and so on. He wanted to make one up about bombs and stick it in Penn Station but Brambly Hedge stopped him sayin that was the most stupid thing he could ever do!

Brambly Hedge wasn't too impressed by the show. She sat with a constant look of 'this is so stupid' on her face and the GoofyGoober had that face on at first but i saw it change as the show progressed and by the end he was wearing a big GoofyGoober smile and laughin his head off and repeating everything that was said and laughin. The Weel Stockit Farm said she would never bring her son to a show like this. It encouraged the gays. 

After it spongebob told us to wander around the city until she was finished work. The GoofyGoober did not like that one bit! His new phrase is "I'm a lazy American! I'm not doing that!"

So i sat us in a park and made more labels. That day the Weel Stockit Farm and i were to meet a GoofyGoober of another kind! I don't know what i could call him except.... pinnt. Thats what we'll have to call him. "hello! this is pinnta! howr you?! whure can i meet you?!?'

"aw naw! aw naw! i jus spoke to pinnta on the phone!"

"aw naw! you jus spoke to pinnta on the phone! aaaaaaaaahhhh"

We went to central park and did some people watching. There were many jewish families goin about and we wondered if there was something Jewish goin on near by. They were all dressed up nice and the Weel Stockit Farm quite fancied a few of the jewish boyz.

After a couple of hours eating cherry m&m's and watching people we moved a long to sit at some water. We saw some russian looking people making a music vid! It was jus one girl prancing about in front of a camera.

At the moment i'm talking to someone about the GoofyGoober's sense of humour. I've found someone to take over from me so yesterday i emailed Spongebob about the person and she emailed back asking if i knew the girl well? Was she a 'good kid?' Did she have a sense of humour? "cause you know what goofygoober is like!"

Yes, i do know what the goofygoober is like and his sense of humour it totally rubbish. Nothing he says is that funny and the jokes he laughs at aren't really funny either (example: Xanado)

I think Spongebob thinks she's created some genius hilarious being that noone is ever goin to really like. 

Yeh so back to last week. We never met lapinnta which was ashame cause it would have been hilarious. The Weel Stockit Farm was glad we didn't. hahahahahaha

This blog is really long it's taking me ages to do. 

This morning i came into the kitchen with my eyes half closed and a hood over my heid cause it was so cold. Spongebob was there and in a good mood and making pancakes and as i walked over to the table i ran right into Bertie Bassetts chest! (this is the second time this has happened. The first time he was only wearing his pants!) He said 'hi (my name)' as he always does, in a very cheerful tone a voice and said very quickly! And he doesnt really say my name, he always says a shortened version of it. Anyways, he had some hankie thing tied round his head and some strange kind of work out gear on. Then he went out for...i dunno, a run or something. I took Brambly Hedge to school early and when i came in i caught Spongebob and Bertie Bassetts having a wee hug in the kitchen. When i walked in he moved away and she said "ew he's all sweaty" then we had a chat about the new nanny who is comin to take my place. Thankyou friend, you're saving my life and i'm savin them a lot of money by finding you!

Last night i drove around like a mad wuman goin to swimming then soccer then back to swimming then back to soccer.

The GoofyGoober argued with me at every turn and finally on the last stretch home we had a chat about the 'polution' in the air between us. We have to get rid of all the polution and stop arguing so much! He creates the polution though by being such a wee know it all. Brambly Hedge found the whole convo very entertaining. 

When we got in the house I have the GoofyGoober his dinner to heat up in the microwave. Spongebob was working late. I can't remember what i'd made but there was corn and he said he didn't like that and so went around the kitchen lookin in all the cupboards to see what could make the corn taste better. 

"I heard that if you put flour and corn together it makes it better."

Me-"No it doesn't. Don't do that."

Him-"Yes it does."

And so what does he do? After me telling him countless times not to put flour on the corn? He puts it on the corn. I made him eat it. All of it. He was gagging and it took him about an hour but will he listen to me next time? Yes. I did let him watch American Idol while he ate it. 

No my blog didnt die a death, I'm jus taking ages to write it. 

Bertie Bassetts is gone again. Singapore is the place to be this week! On friday night i came down the stairs to find Spongebob and himself having a romantic dinner. Spongebob swung round to look at me when i walked into the kitchen "

Oh (new shortened version of my name) we didn't know you were still home!"

"Well how do you think your children got to swimming then eh? " was what i thought in my head!

I'm leaving the blog here at this point and I'll do another one cause this one is long. I've got a cold btw!

Officer Smellgood

Saturday in the day time. Oh the lovely sun on my face as i lay in the carpark outside A church. I love text messages. I need to think of a name for the person i was with. How about 'Cheerio' since i noticed she called herself that somewhere. 

Oh the sun was beating down and the thought of NOT seeing the GoofyGoober all weekend was really making my heart feel so cheerful! 

Cheerio had orginised a SARDINE SATURDAY which was goin to the church at night and playin a game of sardines in the dark. Saridines is where you go and hide and eat sardines and wait for everyone to find you while you're eatin the sardines. The church is in the woods so it's really creepy there anyways and usually on a saturday night the car park fills up with about 30 cars all doin who knows what. We decided that if we sat inside the church we'd be able to find out what they were all up to. 

Cheerio invited some friends along i didn't know and i had a couple of verra awkward moments with them in the gym. Silence...... who will say something first.... i'll jus lie on the stage and text.... then they get out their phones and start textin..... OH THANK GOODNESS HERES CHEERIO AGAIN!!

Finally Mrs Doyle came and the game began. We were in a team because we would be scared (me and mrs doyle)

No cars showed up all night. 

Sunday night was a great blessing in disguise.

I got side swiped and the drunk jus drove off. Of course the police had to come along. Oh Officer! You jus smell lovely so you do. Jus you shine that torch right in my face and see how beautiful my face is. Is that a ring you've got on yer finger? NO! no wedding ring thats jus great. 

He was a hot todd. If you imagine what a hot todd looks like then thats who you're imagining. 

One more point, Spongebob and Bertie Bassetts didn't even care that their car was smashed in at the side. I wasn't nervous at all about telling them because what are they goin to do? FIRE ME?

naw

Peas out. 

The GoofyGoober has swimming every day from now to the summer so i'm in luck AGAIN. I'm such a lucky dog. 

Gosh Forsaken Heck Hole

Let me tell you first about a dream i had at 5 o'clock this morning. My father must have phoned me by mistake and i thought "Oh, it's 5 in the morning, that must mean theres a emergency! so i answer the phone and say 'hullo? hullo? and all i can hear is the familiar sound of the printing machine." So i went back to sleep eventually and had dreams of the weel stockit farm fallin asleep in toilets with boxes of cakes and my father bein sent to prison for murder of a 15 year old boy aaaaaaaahhh hahahahahahahaha!

Then i woke up jus after 7 and was late for breakfast. 

Yesterday was the GoofyGoobers birthday! So, we only have one fight and it was about the warmest part of the day. He said it was the evening. WHAT? Mad dogs and GoofyGoobers go out in the midday sun! His words were "So jus cause Scotland says one thing it means science is wrong?!"

When Spongebob came home she looked like she was pretending to be shattered and told me her company had lost billions of dollars in the night. WHO CARES? NOT ME! And i'm glad i didn't care because this is what happened later in the evening!

They were havin a birthday dinner for the GoofyGoober and of course i was invited but i was goin out. Spongebob was annoyed but i don't care because i have dinner with HER children every night so maybe for a birthday change it should jus be them eh? eh? yeh, you agree. The GoofyGoober couldn't care less where i was anyway so. 

I come downstairs to get the car and the GoofyGoober comes in and opens his mouth and out comes a huge burp. I was of course not impressed and neither was Spongebob, but did she say something to her son about it? Oh no no no not her precious wee GoofyGoober! She turned to me and said "How are you raising my children! That was disgusting."

Eh! Why are you tellin me misses! I said to her "I would have given him into trouble." (in a way to say "why didn't you give him into trouble?") She is after all the one in charge! Then the GoofyGoober comes up and says "What? Why?' and i said "because you were being rude" and she looked AT ME AGAIN and said 'It's totally disgusting.'

- You don't have to tell me what it is! Do you ever hear me doing things like that? No, i don't think so! But i did hear from your children that you did a f*rt at the dinner table so no wonder they have bad manners!

Bertie Bassetts wasn't home yet with my car so i had to sit with Spongebob and Brambly Hedge. Spongebob was in an AWFUL mood. Can she not even pretend to be in a good mood and then go away to her room and scream or something? If shes employed someone to be in a constant good mood then she should do it herself! 

Oh, but it gets worse. We're sittin there, and the dog comes runnin up to the door smashes itself against the glass to let everyone know it wants inside! Spongebob turns round and looks at the dog and turns back to me and says 'And thats another thing, you're not really raising the dogs very well either! Are you?!"

I jus looked down, turned my head away from her and said 'I don't even like your dogs.'

Finally Bertie Bassetts came home and i made a quick exit. 

...Sorry i jus had to take a break there to draw the dog wearing a nappy on someones facebook page. 

where was i?

Brambly Hedge is nice and continues to be my favourite. 

Looking for a Replacement Nanny?

Friday night was Brambly Hedge's birthday party but thankfully i was busy so did not have to attend. The GoofyGoober had to go to swimming at the Y and i took him to it and he was in a verra verra bad mood. He's become lazy and he likes it. He says all the great geniuses in the world are lazy. On saturday i was in Central Park and i wrote this poem that i'll now share with YOU.

            NEW YORK NEW YORK

Oh April sun

how you shine down

    through the bare trees in

          Central Park.

Where me and Mrs Doyle sit

      Cold Stone.

Strawberries we taste in our

     mouths

baseball and soccer

  we do watch 

Oh Central Park you're like ice tea (not that i'd know)

        so good

         and 

    not too sweet

              Lemon

    mmmmmm......

Mrs Doyle loved the ice tea. 

Now heres the big news. 

I took Brambly Hedge to swimming last night and picked up the Goofygoober who was very selfish and took ages to get changed and said he was being sociable. ANNOYING.

Nevermind anyways i came in the house and Spongebob was sitting eating her dinner. 

Sometimes i think she comes in later than she should so that she doesn't have to pick up the kids from swimming. Oh well, nothing i can do about that back to my point now. She asked me! To stay another year! and work for her again!!! AS IF!!! She even offered to pay for my schooling (or part of it) but the options of schools that i could go to here were not tempting at all. The only way she could make me stay is if she set me up in a flat in New York City with her 2 children and sent me to one of the schools there. I'm not goin to anywhere round here! Oh well. She pretty much looked like she was goin to cry and i felt a bit bad. A wee bitty. Then she said i was to start looking for someone to take my place. Where on earth am i to find someone? 

If you would like to come work here, or rather, if you know of anyone who would like to come work here, let me know and don't let them read my blog cause it'll put them off ok?

The GoofyGoober came in smellin terribly of B.O and was refusing to change so i eventually had to chase him up the stairs to his room and find him new clothes and force him to put on deodorant. I told him he'd never get a girlfriend smelling like that and he said 'I DON'T WANT A GIRLFRIEND! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!'

April Fools

Yesterday morning i rose from my bed and wandered down my stairs. At the bottom of the stairs there was string attached to wall and floor and hand-rail in a web type formation.

The last 3 stairs were covered in "febreeze" and facing my stairs were... THE DOG STAIRS.

The dog stairs are made of foamy stuff and specially bought to sit next to the GoofyGoober's bed so that the dogs can walk up them and lie on the bed. 

So, i imagine the trick was, for me to slip down the wet stairs and get covered in the web of string and be goin so fast that i'd run up the dog stairs and finally fall over. What a laugh that would have been. If i'd been more awake i would have jus done it but i didn't realise the trick till i was back in bed and had pulled all the string down. Sorry Goober!

When we got downstairs 3 stools had been tied together with sting. i dunno what the point in that was. I think the GoofyGoober jus wanted to makes shapes out of the string. It looked like a web again or some geometrical shape. He'd take away all the cutlery. Jokes on you GoofyGoober! When he wanted a spoon he didn't want to go get it because then i would find out where he'd hidden them! hahahahahahahaha!!!! He'd hidden the clock. I didn't care about that either cause it's really them that need to know the time more than me since i wasn't drivin this week and anyway, i jus follow whatever they're doin. He took away the rug too. I didn't see how that would affect me but i didn't bother asking. He thought it was funny.

Brambly Hedge stayed off school again. Did i write about his great structure? Yes, the one thats like the empire state building. Well, when he left for school, Brambly Hedge and i carried it together outside into the rain. It was raining all day yesterday but roasting hot. Lovely. 

Some bits broke off it but we stuck it together again....well, we jus stuck the bits back on. He was very angry when he got home. We also put books under his covers hahahahaha and pushed all his dirty clothes up against his door so he couldn't get in again. What a mess he has to clean up. In a rage, he ran into Brambly Hedge's room and turned over her mattress hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!

This day last year- Fiddler on the roof, euan's birthday, a car and a ferry.  MIND IT?!

Will i write what i was goin to write in the last one? No, i don't think i will. It's too vulgar but keep in mind it did come from Spongebob's mind!

Bertie Bassetts hasn't been on the scene much lately. He was away all last week and then appeared home friday night all ready for what they see as a fun filled weekend! They always have pancakes and that disgusting stuff americans call bacon. They read the newspapers and then i have no idea what else they do because i either stay hidden in my room in the sky or i slip out when they've gone or before they get up. 

One saturday morning i went down about noon thinking they were all gone and it was safe to leave. The GoofyGoobers room is right at the bottom of my stairs and when i got to it, inside i saw Spongebob in nothing but pants and bra! She ran around a bit not quite sure what to do and then shut the GoofyGoober's door saying something about the builders were outside and she wanted to look out the window....WHAT? the GoofyGoober was in the kitchen gettin excited over a stapler he'd been given.